THE CREATION STORY

On the first day, God made heaven & earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters. And God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light. And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

On the second day, God said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." And God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day. And God called the firmament Heaven. And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

On the third day, God said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. God called the dry land Earth, and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And God saw that it was good. And God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.

On the fourth day, God said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavens to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth." And it was so. And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also. And God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.


On the fifth day, God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. And God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

On the sixth day, God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.

On the seventh day, God said, "Damn, I'm fucking tired and fucking off the clock. I'm glad I created marijuana and this six pack of beer because now I can kick back, drink, blaze up and get fucking blasted."

IF THE HUMAN FLY WERE TRUE TO LIFE

If the human fly behaved true to life ...

He'd truly have eyes in the back of his head--and maybe the world's coolest shades. In the past some would've said he looks really fly. It wouldn't have mattered. The "fly girls" would still shoo him.

Whenever he thought of the movie Superfly or the title song he'd wish he was a super fly.

He'd eat and drink with his tongue.

During phone or cyber sex he'd tell women about his long, jack-hammering tongue.

Others may wonder why he never smiles. He can't. He has no lips--or teeth. Besides, smiling flies exist only in cartoon land. If you see a smiling fly you're either dreaming or really flying high.

"Buzz" would be his pass word, and he would always create a buzz.

In his lingo the old put down wouldn't be "Eat shit and die." It'd be "Eat shit and die happy."

He'd eat what most people wouldn't dare touch--shit, tossed food, rotting meat, corpses, carcasses. Later, he'd puke. No, he's not bulemic. He just happens to shit from his mouth and says, "Don't be mad because you can't do it." But he can't lick his fingers while eating as you can because he has no fingers. (So, ha-ha to him.)

If he got on a health trip it wouldn't be curds and whey for him. It'd be turds and whey.

When you fart his mouth would water.

For him fart would be just another word for "Dinner's almost ready."

For him diarrhea would be another word for buffet.

If you fart without shitting he'd suggest you get more fiber or take a laxative and not tease him like that. If you have diarrhea he'd beg you to keep it coming.

His eyes would have lit up the first time he heard pupu platter.

His breath would always stink.

He'd have terrible hygiene.

He'd never have guests, and no one would want any food or drink he offered.

He'd clean himself by rapidly bobbing his head while wiping his face with his crossed and hairy legs. (How strange.)

At night he'd go to whatever room is lit and dance wildly around the room and the lights until the lights were turned off.

He'd be an outcast: He'd be unwelcome at all social gatherings--barbecues, picnics, parties, etc.--and in restaurants. His eating and drinking with his tongue would embarrass whomever dined with him. He'd never be kissed or get laid. The only ones who'd desire his company are other flies and those who want him for dinner. For emotional support he would seek someone who gives a shit.

He'd never venture out at night.

He'd always hear "You need to shave."

He'd hang with similar losers (other flies), and they'd breed like there's no tomorrow.

His children would be as he once was: No one would find them cute or want to play with or babysit them.

He'd be terrified of lizards, frogs, toads, spiders, Venus flytraps, etc. and shudder whenever he heard or saw web address, SWAT team or raid.

SUGGESTED B-MOVIE TITLES, PROMOS & SYNOPSES

Honey, I Ate The Kids

I Was A Teenage Transsexual Serial Killer From Transylvania

The Creatures Among Us: Whatever They Are, They're Deadly ... And They're Multiplying!

Attack of The Killer Butterflies

I, Pod Man

The Walking Nightmares: When They Growl, You'd Better Run.

I Kill For Fun

Something Really Evil Is In Here

Roaches That Eat Flesh: Now Your Fear of Roaches Is Justified.

The Rise of The Baby Demons

My Mom, The Mass Murderer

Godzilla vs. Bootzilla

Jasper, The (Very) Unfriendly Ghost

I Shall ... Kill 'Em All

Your Fate Awaits

Don't Look Into Their Eyes!

Kill and Kill Again

Kill Again Island

The Ghost In My House Is My Boo (Beau)

Death Bells: When The Death Bells Ring People Die.

The Many Grasping Hands of Doom

Messenger of Death

It's In The Closet ... Waiting For You

Death Is In The Air

My Fellow Denizens of Planet Skanks

Lady Eagle: She's Part Eagle and Part Beauty Queen. That Makes Her Fly Pretty High.

Bad Mother Cluckers: These Chickens Will Be Damned If They Wind Up On Anyone's Dinner Table. They're fed up and not taking it anymore. Instead they're taking matters into their own beaks. Maybe it's just me but something seems really fowl about this film.

I Live Among The Dead: Evil Thrives Where Death Prevails.

They Shall Not Live Long

The Groupie (Starring Lolly Poppers): She Sucks At Everything She Does ... Except Sucking Backstage.

Bigger Balls: A few rich people take the party challenge to win the coveted Bon Scott Award for biggest balls.

Abra Cadaver: It's No Act When This Magician Saws People In Half.

Look Ma, No Conscience: An evil child gets a head start on his future as a serial killer and gives a whole new meaning to "Head Start Program."

Tae Kwon 'Ho's: There's lots of flying hands, feet and come in this sex- and action-packed movie.

All Hands On Dick: Women love dick. They can't keep their hands off him, and he can't keep them away even when he tries. He shows you how hard it is.

I, The Alpha and The Omega: A man gains and then is corrupted by godlike power.

Godzilla vs. Vomitus

Oh, My Badness: Candy Kitty Does Everything Wrong ... And Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.

THE STORY OF A REBELLIOUS WHITE TEENAGER

One day a white teenager, Amy, enters the living room of her suburban home and announces: "Mom? Dad? My boyfriend, Michael, and I are having sex and we're thinking of having a baby."

Her mom and dad simultaneously reply, "M-m-m" and the dad continues reading the paper and the mom continues knitting.

Another day Amy enters the living room and announces: "Mom? Dad? I've joined a cult. We have an altar ready for human sacrifice."

Her mom and dad simultaneously reply, "M-m-m" and the dad continues reading the paper and the mom continues knitting.

Another day Amy enters the living room and announces: "Mom? Dad? I'm doing drugs, all of them--herb, crack, X, heroin and crystal meth."

Her mom and dad simultaneously reply, "M-m-m" and the dad continues reading the paper and the mom continues knitting.

Another day Amy enters the living room and announces: "Mom? Dad? I have a new boyfriend. His name's 'Arthur,' and he's a serial killer."

Her mom and dad simultaneously reply, "M-m-m" and the dad continues reading the paper and the mom continues knitting.

Another day Amy enters the living room and announces: "Mom? Dad? My life has no meaning. I'm thinking of ending it."

Her mom and dad simultaneously reply, "M-m-m" and the dad continues reading the paper and the mom continues knitting.

Another day Amy enters the living room and announces: "Mom? Dad? I have a new boyfriend. His name is 'Melvin.' He's black."

Her shocked parents simultaneously yell, "What the hell?! as the dad tosses his paper in the air and the mom drops her knitting gear.

The dad rises from the love seat and yells, "I'm getting my gun!"

"Where did we go wrong?" the mom asks rhetorically.

SUGGESTED SONG PARODY TITLES (AND THE ORIGINAL TITLES) VOL. 2

"Do You Know My Gay Friend Named 'Jose'?" ("Do You Know The Way To San Jose?"--Written by Burt Bacharach for Dionne Warwick)

"We Are The Tampons" ("We Are The Champions"--Queen)

"Pick Up The Feces" ("Pick Up The Pieces"--The Average White Band)

"Jimmy Crap Corn" ("Jimmy Crack Corn"--Traditional)

"Beethoven's Fifth (of Jack Daniels)" (Beethoven's Symphony No. 5--Beethoven)

"Spinach Casserole Magic" ("Spanish Castle Magic"--Jimi Hendrix)

"Mrs. Hippie Queen" ("Mississippi Queen"--Mountain)

"I'm A Fag" ("I'm So Glad"--Skip James)

"Whore Pigs" ("War Pigs"--Black Sabbath)

"Fucking Retarded" ("Fucking Hostile"--Pantera)

"Piss" ("Kiss"--Prince)

"We Got V.D." ("We Got The Beat"--The Go-Go's)

"Fuck Me" ("Touch Me"--The Doors)

MAD SCIENTISTS

A university president tells his friend, president of another university, about morale issues in his university's science department:

"For some reason the biology, physics, engineering, psychology and sociology professor are all talking about leaving."

The friend responds, "I see the problem. There's no chemistry in your science department."

MICHAEL JACKSON: HE-HE-HE ... HAS A NICE STACK

This picture is from http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b135/TruGeorgiaPeach/operation_Michael_Jackson.jpg. Michael Jackson was arguably an andro-genius androgynous pop star.

INTRODUCING ... REVEREND SINN

A sharply dressed man I'll henceforth call "Reverend Sinn" catches a woman's eye. Trying to start a conversation with him she asks him, "What's up? Got a hot date?"

Reverend Sinn replies, "Woman, where I come from every date is a hot date."

WHO WANTS TO BE OLD AS GOD?

On his show tonight David Letterman acknowledged today, August 25, as Regis Philbin's birthday. Regis has been on TV since the 1950s. The website www.imdb.com notes that the Guinness Book of World Records lists Regis as having "more on-air, on-camera time [than] any [other] person... and still counting." Joking about Regis's age Letterman said Regis was on the first-ever game show, named Who Wants Fire?

'EY, DON' TOUCH DA HAIR!

Here's a quote from the actor and Wushu master Jet Li at http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001472/: "You can beat me up, but don't touch my hair. I will kill you!"

A WORD FROM THE SINISTER MINISTER: MESSENGER OF FALSE INFORMATION & OUTRIGHT LIES

Ouija boards are bad news. You should never play with them. If you do Satan will appear and give you an eternal wedgie.

KICKING ASS

My job involves verifying debit card transactions to prevent fraud. As I unblocked his card a cardholder I spoke to today was yelling to, I think, a son playing ball in the background. He told him, "You act like you're scared of the ball. I'm going to kick your ass when I get off this phone."

After unblocking the card I imagined telling the man, "Sir, I've removed the block from your card. You can use your card immediately. Now, you can kick that boy's ass."

NEW CELL PHONE BRAND

Did you hear about the new cell phone brand Jotorola?

When you turn it on you hear the greeting "Hello, joto."

A WORD FROM THE SINISTER MINISTER: MESSENGER OF FALSE INFORMATION & OUTRIGHT LIES

If you're unmarried and not dating then you must be masturbating.

THE UNTOLD STORY: MOST FUTURE R&B SINGERS STRUGGLE WITH RECITING THE ALPHABET IN CHILDHOOD

Reciting our alphabet in song is hard for most future R&B singers. They get stuck on the vowels as in ... "A-yay-yay-a-yay-yay-a-yay-yay-a-yay-yay-a-yay-yay ... be-e-e-e-e-hee-e-hee-hee-e-e-hee-hee-e-e- ..."

PROSTITUTE/SUPER SOLDIER

Q: What do you call a prostitute trained for military special operations?

A: A gung ho'.

THANKS FOR THE A.D.D.

Here's a quote about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) from the website http://adhdandmore.blogspot.com/2009/01/famous-adhd-quotes.html: "I prefer to distinguish ADD as attention abundance disorder. Everything is just so interesting . . . remarkably at the same time.”--Frank Coppola, ADD sufferer, TV producer and founder of Edutainment Inc., a consultant group for individuals, businesses and corporations seeking market growth.

DOGGONE, THAT TEXAS STYLE

While walking along a dirt road in a rural Texas town a Texas newcomer sees a man on a lawn sitting butt-naked on a pitcher. The shocked newcomer asks the native what he's doing. The native replies, "Makin' ass tea. Are you thirsty?"

WAIT JUST ANOTHER MINUTE MRS. POSTWOMAN

The New Post Office Uniform - Watch a funny movie here
Around 1:44 p.m. today I saw my mail carrier delivering mail door-to-door in 99-degree heat wearing the U.S. Postal Service's matching pith hat, long-sleeve shirt and slacks. Either the USPS doesn't believe in summer clothing or she is dying for a promotion. I think that if she were to dress like the woman in the video above she would enjoy it--and so would I.

WOODSTOCK THIS WAY: WHAT A TRIP

A past girlfriend of my oldest brother once told him that she and a friend had planned to attend the original Woodstock Festival, August 15-18, 1969. However, they got the directions confused and instead went to Woodstock, Georgia and missed the event. Now, that's totally ungroovy.

SUGGESTED SONG PARODY TITLES (AND THE ORIGINAL TITLES)

"Another One Bites The Butt" ("Another One Bites The Dust"--Queen)

"The Girl With Emphysema" ("The Girl From Ipanema"--Astrid Gilberto & Stan Getz)

"Light My Farts" ("Light My Fire"--The Doors)

"The Age of Asparagus" ("The Age of Aquarius"--The Fifth Dimension)

"My Investments" ("My Generation"--The Who)

"Whip Ass" ("Whiplash"--Metallica)

"Bisexual Race" ("Bicycle Race"--Queen)

"A Gay In The Life" ("A Day In The Life"--The Beatles)

"Just The Facts, Ma'am" ("Tax Man"--The Beatles)

"Bare All, Cooter" ("Barracuda"--Heart)

"Jerk Off" ("Get Off"--Foxy)

"Whole Lotta Cum" ("Whole Lotta Love"--Led Zeppelin)

"Jism Nation" ("Rhythm Nation"--Janet Jackson)

"The Pros and Cons of Dick-Sucking" ("The Pros and Cons of Hitch Hiking"--Roger Waters)

"Wet Dream Police" ("Dream Police"--Cheap Trick)

"Baby, You're A Bitch Man" ("Baby, You're A Rich Man"--The Beatles)

"I Lick Panties" ("I Want Candy"--Bow Wow Wow)

"When The Hymen Breaks" ("When The Levee Breaks"--Led Zeppelin)

"Bringin' On The Hard On" ("Bringin' On The Heartache"--Def Leppard)

"I Wanna Be Fellated" ("I Wanna Be Sedated"--The Ramones)

"We Will Fuck You" ("We Will Rock You"--Queen)

"Sheer Fart Attack" ("Sheer Heart Attack"--Queen)

"I Love South Bronx" ("I Love New York"--Frank Sinatra)

"Pass The Cootchie" ("Pass The Dutchie"--Musical Youth)

"Abomine Hominy" ("Astronomy Domine"--Pink Floyd)

"Butt Scratch Fever" ("Cat Scratch Fever"--Ted Nugent)

A COMPUTER PROGRAM YOU NEVER HEARD OF

Have you heard about the computer program Condom 2008? If you haven't you're not alone. It had a short life on the market because it was especially vulnerable to Trojan attacks.

WORD SCRAMBLE (FROM AN 4/22/2007 E-MAIL COURTESY OF MISS KERRIKAT)

Sun Apr 22, 2007 10:14 pm


This has got to be one of the most clever
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER



DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT



THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE



GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE



THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS



SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY (FROM A 12/3/2006 E-MAIL COURTESY OF KELLY LYNNE)

Found this off of my OLD blog which still exists in the ether:

>One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
>He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him,
>"George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
>"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises,
>and then fades away.
>
>The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas
>Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom,
>please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect
>the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from
>sight................
>
>The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the
>ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the
>best thing I can do to help the country?"
>"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the
>mist........................
>
>Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
>moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads,
>"Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
>Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

TEQUILA (THANKS TO SYLVIA SILVA)

-----Original Message-----
From: Silva, Sylvia [mailto:Sylvia.Silva@...]
Sent: Tuesday, October 24, 2006 8:56 AM
To: ynoriega@...; Martinez, Michael A; Maria Aguillon
Subject: FW: yikes tequila!


Sylvia Silva
Service Representative
Social Security Administration
8020 Alamo Downs Pkwy.
San Antonio, Tx 78238

-----Original Message-----
From: Rangel, Patricia FO San Antonio Northwest
Sent: Tuesday, October 24, 2006 7:20 AM
To: Garcia, Tracy; Wilcox, Veronica; Reyes, Arnold; Gutierrez, Liz D.;
'Guadalupe Reyes'; Flores, Marisa I.; 'txpanther89@...'; 'Eva
Elizondo'; 'EDUARDO ZUNIGA'; 'Alberto Rodriguez'; 'santiago rangel';
'jr.lopez@...'; 'Stephanie Rangel'; Walters, Christina; 'Andrea
Velasquez'; Velasquez, Cindy FO San Antonio Northwest; Cordero, Robert;
Silva, Sylvia; Munoz, Roseanne; Pfeil, Steven P.; 'Carmen Carranco';
'TRUMAN'; Barbee, Debbie; Brewster, Lezlie; 'Russell Fairbanks'
Subject: FW: yikes tequila!


A man is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle
> comes a Genie. The man is stunned.
>
The Genie says,"Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."
>
The man begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
>
Finally the man says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make
me pee tequila."
>
The Genie grants him his wish.
>
When the man gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees
in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila.
Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and
it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
>
The husband yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
>
She comes running down the hall, and the man takes another glass out of
the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
>
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
>
The next night the man comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
>
The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks
until the sun comes up.
>
Finally Friday night comes and the husband comes home from work and
tells his wife, " Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila."
>
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
>
The husband begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife
asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
>
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK
FROM THE BOTTLE."
>
ORALE!!!!!

PRAYER IN SCHOOL (THANKS TO ED HIETT)

From: Ed Hiett
To: LRW
Sent: Friday, September 08, 2006 11:52 AM
Subject: Fw: You tell me?


After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and then you tell me ...
..... I CAN'T PRAY ????"

GETTING BACK (FROM AN 8/23/2006 MYSPACE BULLETIN)

Aug 23, 2006 12:59 PM
Subject: Anyone having a bad day?? READ THIS!!
Body: Had bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's
correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him
up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole ..1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

THE UNTOLD STORY

The untold story is that well before the invasion of Iraq that toppled Saddam Hussein U.S. intelligence crews found sex toys, not nukes, in Iraq. Instead of "weapons of mass destruction" they found weapons of masturbation.

YOU KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE WHEN ...

You're a guy hoping the hot female stranger you keep running into is following you.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PU PU PLATTER & A POO POO PLATTER

YOU MAY HAVE FINANCIAL PROBLEMS WHEN ...

You breathe a sigh of relief when your phone rings and you discover it's a solicitor.

DO YOU SWING?

A 7-year-old boy asks a 10-year-old boy to join him on a swing set. The 10-year-old, believing swings to be for younger children, sneers and replies, "No, thank you. My swinging days are over."

WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT SOMETHING FROM HELL WOULD TASTE THIS GOOD?

Did you hear about the gum Satan created?
It's called "Beelzebubble Gum."

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO SPEND WITH SHORT MEN

A tall, leggy woman, Alma tells a friend why she just dumped her short boyfriend, Kyle. "He beat me," she says. She then rolls up her pant legs to reveal her bruised shins.

TURNING TABLES

New York City native Miguel Figueroa, as bassist for the local rock band The Killing Floor, once recalled a thug trying to rob him in New York with a puny knife. Miguel said he snatched the knife away from the thug, slapped and backhanded him across the face several times and then took the thug's wallet and money.

OOH-RAH! A U.S. MARINE STAFF SERGEANT'S EARLY 1986 RECOLLECTION OF A CONVERSATION WITH A CIVILIAN WOMAN

"Do you feel anything after shooting someone?"
"Yeah. The recoil of my rifle."

WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID LSD & OTHER PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS

Singer and guitarist Shawna and bassist Lisa are good friends in an all-girl rock band and live near each other. Before leaving for a gig in a remote area of town that Shawna knows better than Lisa they kill time in Shawna's house, chit chatting and dropping acid. Later, with their cars loaded with gear they leave in separate cars with Lisa's car trailing Shawna's.

After they've been driving for about 15 minutes Shawna sees a police car at a service station. She races into the parking lot with Lisa following and pulls alongside the occupied police car. She parks and leaves the engine running, bolts from the car and rushes to the squad car. She breathlessly tells the police officer, pointing to Lisa's car pulling into the lot, "Officer, someone's following me!"

HYPERACTIVITY/ADHD

A man tells his wife: "Honey, I've noticed that you seem to have trouble focusing on anything. And your mind seems to wander. You have a short attention span. I think you may be hyperactive."

The wife responds, "Now, you hold it right there, Mister. I'm not going to sit still while you call me 'hyperactive.'"

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED (FROM A FORWARDED E-MAIL)

• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
• The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
• Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.